It’s been a while- ramblings

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Hey there everyone (Or the few that still follow my thread). It’s been a while. I was going through some seriously rough relationship times the last time I sat and decided to write down all the thoughts that were tumbling around my head. And I have some good news in terms of an update, Maybe not the good news some expected but, The relationship ended.

It’s strange to say that that’s a good thing but looking back over this year, the times and tribulations and my plummeting self esteeem, I realised that a lot of it was based on a stresful relationship with someone that would always put their needs above mine and cared very little whether their words or behaviours had a lasting affect on me. I cant pretend there weren’t good times in the relationship as well of course. I wouldn’t have stuck at it for so long if there wasnt. We had a lot in common, at times I found her inspiring, she made me laugh, and she had a great sense of adventure that made the world seem much bigger and more interesting. Despite all this, the relationship was always doomed because these things are fantastic and fun, but if someone you’re with just doesnt share the same moral values, or morals at all, then you’re never going to have a productive relationship. A fun one maybe , but not one that is good for you.

As has happened in previous relationships it came to light that I had been being lied to and my trusting nature was being abused. So while it was fun, it’s now done. And despite the heart ache, I know it’s for the best, I need far more from a relationship than I was ever going to get with Saskia.

So since then I decided to throw myself into making the most of my free times and trying new things. I’ve been snowboarding, wakeboarding, longboarding, I’ve travelled to the Lake district, Wales, Scotland and worked on photography. It’s been fun. I started to socialise more recently and have realised that since I decided I would take the rest of this year off dating (The last relationship seriously damaged my opnions of myself and of relationships so I’m waiting for that to settle before chatting to anyone else), anyway, I think that not looking for a relationship has lead far more people to chat to me and I’ve made new friends and had more interest shown towards me than I have in quite some time.

I go back to uni in a few weeks and I’m really looking forward to it, It’s a little unfortunate that my ex will be in the same department for my first few months but after that she will no doubt be running away to america and I’ll be left with a slightly less anxious walk to lectures.

I’m not sure why im writing this blog today. It had no real goal. I guess I just wanted to finalise the thread and say that the relationship is done. I’ve taken some time and let things process and at first that sucked because it felt like the more time went on the clearer it became that I’d been stupid for being lied to and deceived so badly, caught up in a relationship that never existed, lost in a World of my own making. But, I’ve got some fantastic people around me now and things are finally looking up ūüôā

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The double edged sword of repeat break ups.

 

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I know that most people wont have read my previous posts, but to those that have, theres a bit of a gap in the timeline here. I will write another post explaining how me and my ex/current/not current relationship has come about, but for now I had a thought about the affect of these on and off relationships and I wanted to write it down.

Tonight I went to see her perform. This is alwys going to be a bit of a tough one as she is the focal point of the room and is naturally going to get some attention from that, coupled with the fact shes a good singer and guitarist (I’m sure I’m not the only one that finds that attractive) means that when youre in some limbo of none relationship, you can get to feel a bit awkward.

Despite putting on my best happy face and and joining in with one liners and jokes to the group we were with that I’d never met before, I was clearly not a convincing actor and I could see her looking over at me from time to time trying to figure out what was wrong. And that’s an impossible situation for me because whats the solution, tell the truth on what’s making me feel awkward? I know I can’t do that because if I do I know she will do what she always does in these situations, run away from it and we will have another week of arguments and trying not to message each other.

So here’s whats making me feel awkward, What are you supposed to make of a person that acts like your girlfriend in private but not in public. (I know anyone reading this will be thinking “you idiot”).

I mentioned tonight after some chatting when I got home that I was surprised she hugged me after her set and she asked if she was that bad with affection? well no she isnt. But as soon as we are in public thats a very different matter.

The repeated break ups have made me lose confidence, not just in the relationship but in myself as well since it is always her that ends the relationship. I realised tonight that as much as I desperately want to make it work with her, which I do as I am completely in love with her. I can’t do it all on my own. She commented tonight that I can tell her to fuck off if her lack of affection is a burden for me. Which I felt slightly wronged by because I feel like its a chore for her to show any association with me other than that she would show any¬†other friend.

The repeated breaks ups are making me lose the resillience or confidence to say what I want and I’m starting to feel like im being demanding by wanting the most basic of interactions people have in their relationships, hugs, hand holding etc etc Don’t get me wrong im not one for PDA but the things people normally do in relationships like leaning slightly on a partner or touching their arm at the bar she seems reluctant to do. And yet our sex life is better than ever. So its not like i’ve been cut out completely. At this point im done double guessing myself and it’s starting to sink in that I’m fighting for something I cant make happen. It’s a really sad realisation and I’m not sure what to do with it.

If I wanted to chill with a friend I would have gone back to my hometown and drank whiskey and played playstation in my sweat pants.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Night all

Does a broken relationship always mean broken trust?

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It seems like a bit of a redundant question. The relationship is over anyway. But I can’t help but feel slightly wronged by the situation and I’m wondering if this is a flaw in my own thought process or a valid feeling.

Don’t get me wrong my ex didn’t cheat, she didn’t lie to me. In fact of all the relationships I’ve been in, I think this is the one that I trusted the most. But when you do start to love someone, and become aware of it, there’s a choice you make. To allow it to happen or run from it. If you made the same decision I did then you decided to continue down the road of falling for someone and here’s where the problem starts.

She never said, “I’m never going to break up with you” or anything so obvious, but when you start to fall for someone there’s an inherent promise made that they won’t hurt you. They will respect you and you start to mesh your lives together. Now that the relationship is over I can’t help but feel my trust has been broken.

I didn’t see the breakup coming and despite many arguments, I still don’t feel like I have a real reason. It’s not that I think I could somehow talk her out of whatever has brought her to the point of ending the relationship but I feel like, at the very least I deserve to understand so that I can process it and start to move on rather than knit picking my every behaviour while we were together.¬† She has eluded to having reasons I’m not aware of but refuses to tell me what they are. Assuring me that it isn’t because there’s anyone else or anything like that, she just is going through a lot and can’t be in a relationship right now. But what am I meant to do with that? I’m left feeling lost in what’s going on with only the persistent anxiety and longing to keep me company.

I feel weak right now which for some reason bothers me more than it should. The constant urge to message her when I know I shouldn’t is torturous and I’m trying to keep busy to avoid giving in.

I realised a few nights ago during one of our arguments that it had been probably a month since she messaged me first. It seems like a petty thing to take issue with and it isn’t so much to do with messaging as such, it’s to do with the indication that without my input we just wouldn’t have talked. I feel like this is a red flag that I should have noticed earlier. It’s nice to wake up to a message from someone, to know that when they woke up you were the first person they thought of or wanted to talk to. I know I’m obsessing now and it’s pointless, but since the break up I feel like I’ve lost trust, not just in her but in what I thought we had and it’s made me look back and realise that I had probably missed a lot of warning signs by assuming she was as happy as I was.

Everyone keeps telling me that “time is a great healer” and we all know it’s true. Yes, there are things which stay with us forever, but it does get easier with time. Heartbreak has an annoying habit of changing the way we see the world, for me it just makes me a little more guarded each time it happens. I’m 29 and had my fair share of it and since each time I feel a little more broken and a little more scarred, I’m starting to wonder if at this point I’m genuinely just too damaged to have a healthy relationship anymore. In this modern age where everything is done at such a pace, we seem able to demand satisfaction for the most menial things almost instantly. I can now order something from Amazon and have it at my flat in an hour, text messages make conversation instant, I can tap my watch and have a taxi outside in minutes. I have grown accustomed to this pace of life and the time involved in recovering from emotional turmoil seems long and arduous. Maybe I’m a product of my generation and heart ache just seems like something dragged into this century from a bygone age, slow and painful.

We haven’t spoken in a few days now and that’s no time at all in reality. But it certainly doesn’t feel that way. I hope I manage to keep some self-restraint and avoid messaging her.

Here’s to hoping.

Breakups

 

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I’ve written a few blog posts about the things I deal with as part of a breakup. But mostly for my own benefit, I wanted to write down how things progressed into my most recent breakup.

You’ve met someone, the first date goes well, so you have more. Great. That’s what happened with me. The first date went very well and rather than worrying a¬†what the other person thought of me I was completely lost in how interesting I found her. We sat for around 4 hours in one of my favorite bars chatting about shared interests, and while we had many shared interests we seemed to view them in very different ways, which was great. It’s interesting to hear a new take on things you already feel passionate about.bout

Dates progressed and over a relatively short period of time we fell into a comfortable¬†rhythm¬†with each other. Whether we were heading out with our cameras or just staying in her flat we always seemed to have a great time. I think over the course of about a month I had conversed more with this girl than I had with all my friends combined over the past year. We talked about anything and everything, I just enjoyed talking to her. The minor things in relationships like the ass taps when you walk past each other or the prolonged hugs when you first see each other or the security that comes with knowing you have someone that seems to understand you well enough that you don’t have put on an act with them, at all, is an extremely addictive experience.

I can’t deny that at times I let past insecurities interfere with how well we got on, some minor squabbles¬†occurred but I was never really too worried because I thought she knew the same thing I did. That we had something really damn good here.

After finally dropping the L word into our relationship and having her say it back to me (this seemed like a pretty big step, a huge step even, I do not throw the word around carelessly) I felt more secure than I had in a long time. I was finally with someone that understood me and I thought we were both good for each other.

Then (dramatic pause) after a minor squabble she told me she needed space, she didn’t know whether she could do “us” anymore. Her head and heart were telling her different things. She was in love with me but didn’t think she could be in a relationship. This blindsided me and brought all my past insecurities crashing back in on me. What had I done? What hadn’t¬†I noticed? Where did it start to go wrong? there must have been something that I didn’t pick up on. Had I imagined the fact we were happy? was it just me that was happy and she was just around my happiness and growing more and more dissatisfied?

I gave her space, or attempted to. We continued to chat and I was amazed at how easy she seemed to find it. I was in a constant state of anxiety but continued to chat and try act relaxed¬†as¬†let’s face it, there’s nothing more unattractive than a needy guy that’s¬†feeling anxious. So I waited and only went to see her when she asked to see me or when she had time free between work and studies. When we were together things were exactly as they always had been. We laughed and joked constantly, the affection was all still exactly the same but as soon as I left her I was right back to feeling like I was walking on egg shells. I didn’t want to do anything to reinforce whatever it was that was holding her back from giving us a go.

I kept this up for as long as I could but in the end, she came back to me and we had the conversation I had been dreading. She didn’t want to be in a relationship. “It’s not you, it’s me” seemed like such a shameful recycling of every trash romance flick that I’d ever seen and I could barely believe she was using it. You’ve been so amazing, I’m still in love with you but I have personal issues that I just can’t deal with while in a relationship etc (I won’t go into the details of the personal experiences she is going through as I feel it¬†isn’t my place to talk about them even though this blog is anonymous) ¬†I’ll admit, she does have a lot of problems that cause her stress in her life right now.

I just never thought I was one of them.

We have gone back and forth because she has told me that the break up has hurt her and she wishes she could just call me and take it all back. She wishes she could selfishly hold onto me but she can’t put me through being with her. I don’t understand.

In my head, while breakups are always hard, there should only be one person truly heartbroken by them and if I’m to believe what she is telling me then in this instance there are two. So why are we doing this? I genuinely thought we had something really great so don’t want to give up on it but I don’t seem to have all the information she does. I’m not sure what is holding her back, or maybe I’m just being a sucker and should accept the fact the sometimes, people fall out of love with you even if you can’t fall out of love with them.

If what she is saying is true and breaking up with me is a selfless act because she doesn’t want to put me through having to deal with all the things she is going through then I can’t help but feel like this is such a tragic waste. I’m heartbroken by the breakup and she’s depriving herself of someone that would happily be by her side to offer support through all her trials. And outside of all that, when you are having the toughest time, don’t you want to cling onto any little bit of happiness you can find to try and get you through the hard times?

This all just leads me back to one thing.

Was I just another of the hard times she was having to deal with? Has she been unhappy with me for a while and I’ve been completely oblivious?

The result is the same. It’s over. And I’m not sure what to do with that.

 

It’s fine. Never Mind. I guess. But is it?

 

 

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Some of the statements I find myself saying a lot recently. It wasn’t until I felt the least “fine” I’d felt in a long time that I realised just how often I say this to those around me, and it got me to thinking, Why do these statements escape my lips when they are the least applicable words to what is going through my head at that time.

The more I thought about the more I realised that I say these things, mostly, for two reasons. One, ¬†to save whoever I’m talking to from having to acknowledge or deal with what I am saying. Two, in an attempt to devalue my own feelings or thoughts. How ridiculous it is to explain to someone that you are feeling lost or heartbroken and then follow it with “never mind”. Why never mind? surely going through one of the most painful human emotions (that of rejection or loss) is the least “never mind” thing you can experience.

After getting to a point where I realised I had bottled up all negative emotions to the point it had started to cause me serious problems with almost all of my relationships, professional, friendships, girlfriends, family, they were all being dragged down by my inability to deal with a catalogue of backdated issues and frustrations. After some counselling, I felt infinitely better and this was mostly down to the fact that someone¬†sat down and made me talk about myself unashamedly and actually pursued how my experiences over the past few years had affected me. The initial meetings were bumpy and disjointed because I realised that I simply wasn’t used to talking about myself or prioritising myself in any way, it felt horrifically self-indulgent and vain to just sit there and talk about my own life and what I had struggled with and why.

After finishing my set of counselling sessions I made a conscious effort to be more open with those around me and if they weren’t on board with occasionally hearing how I was then I probably didn’t want them in my life anyway, relationships should be both give and take. (If anyone has read this far and read any of my previous posts you’ll know I recently went through a break up). When talking with my now ex I realised that every time I spoke about my point of view on the issues we were discussing I almost immediately¬†followed it with a cop out. “it’s fine”, “never mind” “I guess it doesn’t matter” and I’ve realised the only effect of doing this was allowing the other person to not address my point of view or acknowledge how the break up was affecting me.

So here’s something I’ve learned from this breakup. It isn’t¬†fine, it does matter and “never mind” is not a way of dealing with putting yourself on the line with how you’re feeling. Don’t give people an out when dealing with your emotions because now all I have done is cheated myself of some of the validation or closure I deserve by being too considerate for the other person, not wanting them to have to deal with my issues.

Break ups suck for us all but don’t make it worse by copping out of at least explaining yourself and getting the answers you deserve.

New year New me, or not

It’s been a tough start to 2017, my world has suddenly been turned upside down. From starting the year in a happy relationship and making plans to travel the world and booking flights, all of a sudden the relationship is over, and the world seems to have shrunk in size to something so dark and melancholic that is is a torment just to go through it.

It’s strange that heartache is a physical thing. The sickness, the energy drop, the anxiety and self-loathing. 2016 was, for me, like so many other people, extremely difficult. I had so many things happen that I reached breaking point and I thought I had put so much work in that I was somehow beyond hitting that point again. Then suddenly, just weeks into 2017, here I am again.

The hardest part for me is that when something ends and you didn’t see it coming it makes you question the whole experience. It makes a mockery of the happiness you felt and leaves you with the sickening realisation that that happiness was just borrowed. It wasn’t real. You borrowed it by creating a reality in your head that doesn’t match the reality around you and when it ends you have to pay the price for borrowing that happiness.

The thing about being at rock bottom when you’ve been there before is that you know you can make it through, somewhere deep inside you know that you have the capacity to get through this, but at what point do you admit that you just don’t have it in you to make it through anymore? At what point do you think that this constant battle is more than you can physically take anymore.

I’m not sure. But I think maybe I’m there

It’s stupid this thing I do

It’s stupid, this thing I do.

I get enthusiastic about being happy but then as soon as it sinks in that I’m feeling this way I become consumed with worrying about it ending.

I’m happy in a relationship right now but I’m actively picking apart that happiness.

I know the girl I’m with is one of the good ones. I trust her, she’s funny and intelligent and absolutely stunning and rather than be happy that I’m with someone like that I turn it around on myself and wonder what the hell is she doing with me.

I guess I’m kind of a proud guy but at the same time deeply insecure. I don’t like the way I look and I can’t really remember a time when I did. So I now focus on what I think my girlfriend wants and find myself falling short on all accounts and then worrying about those shortcomings.

It’s a really destructive pattern and it’s made small arguments in the relationship already.

Right now she’s in bed sleeping and I should be lying next to her appreciating what I have but instead I’ve made myself feel so anxious that I’m sat outside in the cold, smoking (another recent destructive behaviour) and mulling over exactly what it is that makes me so incapable of receiving love with questioning and doubting it.

I wonder if she ever has similar thoughts but can’t seem to convince myself that that’s possible. With all she has to offer it seems completely absurd that she might worry about keeping someone like me around.

It’s not that she isn’t caring or affectionate. I can’t put my finger on a single thing that she does that causes me to be so anxious, which leaves me with one conclusion. It’s just me.

It must be deeply frustrating to be around me, never mind in a relationship with me.

I wonder what it’s like to have a rational mind. One that can just look at events and see them for what they are. Instead, I look into all interactions and go over them again and again in my head and manage to find the worst possible intent in them.

I think the thing I want more than anything in 2017 is to find a way to combat these thoughts and behaviors. There’s a multitude of options out there. Minimalism, meditation, yoga, exercise, counseling,¬†Diet, brain training. Maybe getting to this point all happened by repeating bad behaviors until I have eventually hard-wired my brain to never switch off.

More than anything I just want to feel content.